There are so many things I can't do because of my excess weight, and more and more, one of those things is to go outside and be in public.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
One of the worst things I can do is look at myself in the mirror. I hate what I see. I'm embarrassed at what I see, and it's difficult for me to be out in public. When I look at myself in the mirror, it can take days to recover from the feelings of shame, embarrassment, depression and hate. Yes, it's at those times I hate myself the most, for what I've done to myself and for how I look.
I don't expect everyone to understand what I'm talking about, but there are more people who feel this way than will admit openly. This post is for you.
Just today, I was looking at a sunset boat tour on Lake Champlain. It would have been a perfect way for my wife and I to spend our 20th wedding anniversary, but I can't do it. Not because of my embarrassment about being in public, but because it is a boat and I weight 450 pounds. As I looked at a photo of the tour boat, I envisioned the difficulty of trying to get in and out of it, finding a seat that would fit (they are usually too small) and hearing the staff orchestrate the passengers in a way that would prevent me from tipping the boat to one side.
You laugh, but I've experienced that firsthand. When I took the pontoon boat shuttle to Chapel Island one time, the boat driver asked me to stand in the middle so I didn't tip the boat. That, my friends, was seriously embarrassing. While I understood, from the perspective of physics, I was outraged and will never take that shuttle again.
It's situations like this that I want to avoid, so the safest thing is to stay home. I have a hard time walking these days anyway, and I often have to use a cane. That's embarrassing enough, especially when someone asks if they want me to have them open a door for me. No! I'm not an invalid. Or am I? I certainly act like one sometimes.
Things have to change if I'm going to get out there again and start doing things in public. After all, that's what I want. There are so many things on my want-to-do list, things I haven't been able to do in years and things I've never been able to do.
I'm hoping today will be the start of a new chapter in my life, one that will lead me to freedom from these walls I've put up because of my weight.